you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
