my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
