I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
