be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize