Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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