i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
