i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
