who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
