The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
