Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
did i just pee glitter
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
