Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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