You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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