Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
