My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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