You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
