well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize