Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
its liver damage thursday
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