My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
this just has baby written all over it
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
