I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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