You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
