i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
