i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
There are leaves in my underwear?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
