I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
