My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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