I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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