I just pynch a tree in the face
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
