Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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