I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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