Tell her she can't have a vagina
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize