I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize