Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
