A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize