Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He? As in you personified your dick?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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