Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
