trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
