nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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