i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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