he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
