Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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