every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
