If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He passed out mid-signature
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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