if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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