then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize