I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just gargled with NyQuil
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
