i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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