I wish I only lived at night.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
