is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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