I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
