Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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