I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
