Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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