Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
