turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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