She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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