Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
