i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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