Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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