Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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