I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
