I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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