I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
