Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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