there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
