What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize